Tuesday, February 17, 2009

My body is ready. I am not.

When will it end? When can I catch a break? Damn, I have been pumping for 10.5 months. Can it not be easy towards the end? Why does it have to be so hard?

My body is ready.

I am not.

My mind was committed to pumping 4/day until March 1st. Why is it that I may have to drop my first session before that? What is the big deal anyway. It is only 10 days early anyway. I am still going to BF the boy at this time so it isn't like it should be a huge deal, right? Not.

Anxiety. Stress. FAILURE.

I know, I am crazy. How can it be failure when I have made it this far? Because. I was planning on going to the 1st of March & dropping a session 10 days before that date is failing to reach it. Because. If I start early, that means I am taking the 1st steps to stopping. I'm not ready but my body is. It is tired. It has done so much in the past 2 years, starting w/ IVF treatments, sustaining 3 growing babies, & then nourishing these babies until their 1st birthday.

You would think that would bring comfort. Maybe tomorrow. Not today. Today it makes me sad.

My kids will still get my milk, just not as much. That should be ok. It WILL be ok.

My pump, my best friend for 200 minutes a day. My time on the computer. My time to watch my kids play. My time to sit down. My time...no longer in that way. It is time.


Kel said...

Astrid, you have done phenomenal things! Please, please don't think of it as failure. I know how tempting and easy that is to think; I pumped my way through a 2 month NICU stay and went straight back to working full time and part time BF, part time pumping for my little boy. My goal was his first birthday, but the well ran dry and he started losing weight (!!!) a month short of that, and so I fell short. Someone wise told me, think of it not as a 1 month failure but an 11 month victory! Please, do the same, and look at the miracle you have accomplished.

Shosh said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. What you have done is totally unbelievable. I can barely nurse one kid to their 1st birthday, let alone three!!

Stephanie said...

Your feelings are totally normal!! I only pumped for 13 weeks before my body gave out on me. In my mind I wanted to go longer but my body said uhuh, no more, I'm done! You have done an AMAZING job! Pumping/nursing 3 hungry babies is no easy feat no matter how long you do it. You are a wonderful mama and you have done a wonderful job!


Brittanie said...

You know, I cried for 3 hours when I decided I needed to stop nursing Erin. After six months I was still cracked/blistered at nursing and feedings were more than excruciating. I talked with numerous LCs, nurses, and her doctor, and nobody could figure it out. I felt like a failure. Logically, I knew I wasn't, but that feeling was still there. It's something that you and only you can do for your babies. I struggled with it. The first two weeks on formula were hard, and I cried every time I fed her. And then I began to realize that it could still be enjoyable.

So what you're feeling is understandable. I know that you'll work through it. Let yourself cry. Let yourself grieve the time. In the end, you need to take care of yourself too. (hugs) to you.

Anonymous said...

You have made it a long time and when your body is ready it is ready. With you stressing your milk production will probably decrease anyway. Some moms can't even breastfeed there babies not because they don't want to but because there bodies need to be medicated to stay healthy for there babies. So at least you made it this long. They are almost a year and they are probably eating plenty of table foods anyway. I guess if someone needs to tell you I will... Get over it! Move one there is so much more to life than stressing about weaning. The fun is about to begin!

Anna said...

I know what you're feeling Astrid. My body's kinda doing the same thing and I'm so determined to keep going, don't know if I can...I've been very sad also and try not to stress out about it. You've done an amazing job for your kiddos! Feel proud you've went this far! Take care!

Norina said...

Oh Astrid (((hugs))) I can imagine I will feel much of the same way when it gets time to stop...you really have done a FANTASTIC job. I told a friend that I have IRL who has triplets about your dedication to bfing and she was astonished, she was only able to keep with it a month. You have done a tremendous thing. but still...I understand. it's like mourning...the end of bfing, and then to not wholely reach your goal. I get it. Thanks for sharing your feelings so honestly. You help a lot of women normalize what it is to be a mom and have these "goals"...love ya!

Anonymous said...

You have done more than most women could do, move on!

Karen said...

I'm so glad Ian is feeling better. One our twins in named Ian, and I've started calling him Ianchito. Our older son can't quite say, so he says 'Ianchico'. very cute.

I understand your pumping woes and I love how dedicated you are. Hang in there.

Jaime said...

You amaze me that you have been pumping for so long! I only made it to 6 months and thought that was a feat. :) Have a great day and keep up the good work. -Jaime (cupcake812 from TC)