I just finished reading some HORRIBLE comments on a blog. H.O.R.R.I.B.L.E. Absolutely evil. How can people be so cruel when a family is grieving the loss of their children? I just don't get it. No parent should ever lose a child. This is coming from someone that came *THIS CLOSE* to losing her son.
(DISCLAIMER: I am not one to discuss controversial topics & that is b/c I am living in one so this is going to be a very bias yet honest post.)
When we found out we were going to need medical intervention to get pregnant, it didn't take long to commit to the process. We both wanted to have children, our own children. Not that there is ANYTHING wrong w/ all those countless children that need adopting, we just weren't there yet. We still had faith that we would have a successful pregnancy. After all, we did get pregnant on our own.
As a matter of fact, in my 20's, if you had asked me about invitro, I would have told you that doing it was "playing God". How could a person do what nature wouldn't allow? And isn't nature the same as God b/c after all, God is in control of everything, right?
Yes, He is. He has allowed man to learn enough to manipulate science to our advantage. To bring a dead man back from a heart attack. To attach a limb that belonged to someone else to another living person. To give an old man new life, a new heart or lung/s. To give an infertile couple the opportunity to bear a child together. Yes, He is most definitely in control. He allows us to be able to figure out medical technologies & allows "miracles" to happen. After all, didn't Jesus cure? Why would God not allow man to do the same?
We knew we had a chance of triplets. A 1% chance to be exact. After all, we decided to put back 3 embryos. Just like everyone else out there, we never imagined we would fall in to that 1%. SHIT...let's be honest here. We never expected to have to do IVF. We got pregnant on our own the very first time. Yes, on our own. Unfortunately, a series of medical issues made it almost impossible to get pregnant again w/o help which lead us to IVF.
Our 1st attempt. That's all it took. We even have pics of the kids when they were only 8 cells. 8 friggin' cells. Technology is amazing & we were able to experience part of that. What we didn't know is all 3 babies would implant & stay put for another 34 weeks.
The 1st hard decision came to us early on, after the 2nd ultrasound. Would we want to selectively reduce? Um, no. Not a chance in hell. I knew through research that reducing to twins would have not made much of a difference in the outcome of the pregnancy, maybe a few weeks. It all depended on how my body handled pregnancy.
**Sidebar** I think I would have seriously considered selectively reducing if it were more than 3. Maybe not, but most likely...yes. 3 was hard enough to carry. I know if there were 5 or 6, it would have been the most painful decision in the world but we would have most likely reduced. For the health & safety of the remaining children as well as myself. After all, what would be the point of having that many if I wasn't around to enjoy them or if we had to lose them after they were born. Of course, many have this same point of view when told they are pregnant w/ triplets.
The pregnancy in itself wasn't bad. I felt great most of the time, like most pregnant women, never mind how many babies were in there. I had a tinge of morning sickness & feeling bloated but for the most part, all was well. Until I pushed myself too hard one day & my cervix decided to shorten. Our 2nd bout of serious medical intervention happened the very next day. I had an emergency cerclage. Would a woman pregnant w/ only one have done the same? Um, yes. So I was carrying 3? And?
The next time I had issues, it was easily handled w/ albuterol on a daily basis. I have friends that had singletons go through the same thing. Still not any different. Then I had rotavirus at 30 weeks 2 days along. 3 days of puking my guts out put some strain on the cervix. I was a fingertip dilated although not having regular contractions. After 3 days, I was put on a terb pump (not absolutely necessary but did it as a precaution). I stayed on the lowest dose until I delivered.
My babies were in the NICU. I knew from the moment that we were told there were 3 that this would happen. I knew there was a chance they would be vented or on CPAP. I knew they might not take a bottle well. I knew there could be issues w/ their hearts or even brain bleeds. After all, I had PLENTY of time to research prematurity online. I knew the average gestational age at birth for triplets was 32 weeks, 2 months premature.
I still put it in God's hands. I knew He would guide us through. When Dr. Adam told me to do something, I did it. I listened to her b/c I knew she was the closest thing to God that I had here on earth. Every step of the way, I trusted her. I also completely surprised her. When she gave me sitting privileges, I decided against them, knowing that those 30 minutes of sitting up a few times a day would put pressure on my cervix. I didn't want these babies to come any earlier than they needed to. I would & still will do anything to protect them. This meant laying down on my left side all day long, only shifting to my right side when I fell asleep at night & after I woke to pee, I would lay back on the left side. It was a sacrifice well worth making.
**Another sidebar** Todd also sacrificed, as did our families. We all still do but I think that is part of having children b/c truth be told, a family can experience much of what we did during the pregnancy & birth of one baby. Todd was & is still amazing w/ all his efforts & sacrifices.
Back to the NICU. We were told not to expect them home before their original due date. That meant 6 weeks in the NICU. Well, how about 10 days for Sofi, 10 days for Gabi & 14 days for Ian? I'd say that is pretty impressive & while I know that isn't the norm, I am very thankful to God that our babies came out so strong & healthy.
It wasn't easy leaving the hospital w/o my babies. It wasn't easy being at home with THREE preemies either. Nothing was easy. Nothing was worth complaining about either. WE *knew* what we were getting in to when we saw & heard those 3 heartbeats. We fell in love immediately & knew we would do what we had to do to survive.
I'd never ask for help beyond what we have received from family, friends & strangers alike. It is amazing the beautiful people you will encounter because of special circumstances (my online community at Just Mommies had a clothing drive for us & we are still using things we received). And, while I understand we will always be a freak show when we go out b/c we have triplets, I will gladly handle & respond to any comments & questions thrown out at us b/c I am the luckiest woman in the world. I have THREE beautiful children AND a wonderful husband. God gave them to me to take care of & raise in His light & that I shall do.
I won't judge others. I will pray for their sorrow & losses. I will understand that just like we were presented w/ the "Will you selectively reduce?" question, they were too. Just as we said no, so did they. Until you have walked a mile in our shoes, don't judge. So many are quick to say adopt but if it isn't in your heart, it isn't in your heart. Period. If those people believe in it so much, then they should practice what they preach b/c it is sooooo much easier to spit the shit out than to live by what you say. THAT is the honest to God's truth.
This may seem like it is coming out of nowhere but it has been brewing for quite some time. I think there is a saying that goes something like this..."If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it."
So true. If you don't agree w/ what I have done, then don't read my blog or anyone like mine. We have had enough challenges in our lives. If you have read through all this & feel compelled to leave a comment, regardless of the content, I welcome your thoughts, so long as you can present them in a mature fashion.
I will gladly answer any reasonable questions in regards to the procedures we went through. What our thoughts were & how we made it through all the pain b/c let me tell you, there was 2 years worth of crying, mourning the loss of a baby never born to Earth & waiting patiently for our turn to arrive. So many sleepless nights when we knew yet another month was going by w/o a positive pregnancy test. So, so many.
What I have said comes from the heart. Thank you all to those that have supported us through your words or physical presence in our lives. You have no idea how much you mean to us. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I only hope that through my actions, I can pay it forward.